Given the obvious dangers of progressive escalation, the question that should be asked is `How do I know if I am sexually addicted?' Generally speaking, sexual addiction is defined as any sexually related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment. Compulsive behavior is any behavior that completely dominates a person's life. The sexual addict makes sex a priority-more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes an organizing principle of the addict's life. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their sinful behavior. The following behavior patterns can indicate the presence of a sexual addiction.¹⁴

1. Acting-out (i.e., a pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior). Examples may include:

• Compulsive masturbation
• Indulging in pornography
• Having chronic affairs
• Exhibitionism
• Dangerous sexual practices
• Soliciting prostitutes
• Anonymous sex
• Compulsive sexual episodes (i.e., bingeing)
• Voyeurism

2. Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences. Some of these losses may include:

• Loss of partner or spouse 40%
• Severe marital or relationship problems 70%
• Loss of career opportunities 27%
• Unwanted pregnancies 40%
• Abortions 36%
• Suicidal obsession 72%
• Suicide attempts 17%
• Exposure to AIDS and other STDs 68%
• Legal risks from nuisance offenses to rape 58%

3. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior.

Even understanding that the consequences of their actions will be painful or have dire consequences does not stop addicts from acting-out. They often seem to have a willfulness about their actions and an attitude that says, "I'll deal with the consequences when they come."

4. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior.

Sexual addicts often try to control their behavior by creating external barriers to it. Some think marriage will keep them from acting-out. Others try to control their behavior by immersing themselves in prayer and Bible reading. Many go through periods of sexual anorexia during which they allow themselves no sexual expression at all. Such efforts, however, only fuel the addiction.

5. Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy.

Though acting-out sexually can temporally relieve an addict's anxieties, they still find themselves spending inordinate amounts of time in obsession and fantasy. By fantasizing, the sexual addict can maintain an almost constant level of arousal. Together with obsessing, the two behaviors can generate a kind of analgesic "fix." Just as our bodies generate endorphins, natural antidepressants, during vigorous exercise, they naturally release peptides when sexually aroused. The molecular construction of these peptides parallel that of opiates like heroin or morphine, but are many times more powerful.

6. Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying.

Sexual addiction is often progressive. While addicts may be able to control themselves for a time, their addictive behaviors will return and quickly escalate to previous levels and beyond. Some addicts begin adding additional acting-out behaviors. Usually sexual addicts have three or more behaviors that play a key role in their addiction-masturbation, affairs, and anonymous sex. The emotional pain of withdrawal is comparable to the physical pain experienced by those withdrawing from opiate addiction.

7. Severe mood change related to sexual activity.

Addicts experience intense mood shifts, often due to the despair and shame of having unwanted sex. Sexual addicts are caught in a crushing cycle of shame driven and shame-creating behavior. While shame drives the addicts' actions, it also becomes the unwanted consequence of a few moments of euphoric escape into sex.

8. Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences.

Two sets of activities organize the sexual addicts' day. One involves obsessing about sex, time devoted to initiating sex, and actually being sexual. The second involves time dealing with the consequences of their acting-out: lying, covering up, shortages of money, problems with their spouse, trouble at work, neglected children, and so on.

9. Neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior.

As more and more of the addicts' energy becomes focused on satisfying their desire, family, friends, work, talents and values suffer and atrophy from neglect. Long-term relationships are stormy and often unsuccessful. Because of intimacy avoidance, short-term relationships become the norm.

The first step in seeking help is admitting there is a problem. Though marital, professional, and societal consequences may follow, admission of the problem must come no matter the cost. Fear of consequences unfortunately keeps many from seeking help. Typical fears faced by those struggling with sexual addiction include:¹⁵

• Fear of being found out
• Fear of divorce
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of losing job
• Fear of losing friends' respect
• Fear of giving up "pet" sin

14. Carnes, P., Dr. Carnes' Resources for Sex Addiction and Recovery (1997), www.sexhelp.com
15. Break Secrecy (1999) www.porn-free.org