Wise Counsel: The Secret Sin: CyberSexual Addiction
The Internet is profoundly transforming our culture and our world in ways similar to the introduction of the telephone 100 years ago. In addition to its function as a source of information, the Internet is leading a revolution in the delivery of sex and sexual content. It is currently believed that cybersex is growing at an astronomical rate in the US because it is easily accessed, anonymous, and affordable (e.g., "the Triple A Engine of the Internet").1 You can obtain and view it in the privacy of your own home without the shame and embarrassment of slinking into a sleazy bookstore or movie house and risking possible exposure. Consider some of the mind-boggling statistics related to Internet pornography:2
What is cybersex? These days cybersex activities include not only viewing and/or downloading pornography while masturbating, but also reading and writing explicit letters and stories, e-mailing to set up personal meetings with someone for sex, placing ads to meet sexual partners, visiting sexually oriented chat rooms, and engaging in interactive on-line affairs which include real-time viewing of each other using electronic cameras hooked up to the computer.3 Many people allow themselves to engage in sexual behaviors on-line that they would never think of doing in the real world.
Why does the church need to be concerned about Internet pornography? We need to be concerned because we are not immune to this ravaging addiction. A recent survey of attendees at Promise Keepers events revealed that two out of three men are or had been involved with Internet pornography.4 Christianity Today reported that a survey of Christian pastors disclosed that one out of three were involved in on-line pornography.5 Cybersex is the secret sin of the church that is responsible for the wholesale destruction of countless lives and homes in America. Learning that your husband is involved with pornography or some other kind of sexual sin is devastating. It rocks the foundation of a marriage. It shatters trust. It generates a host of painful feelings such as shock, anger, fear, and sadness.
The New York Times6 recently told the story of a 34 year-old woman who discovered that her husband, a minister, had an on-line porn. In the article she bitterly complained, "How can I compete with hundreds of anonymous others who are now in our bed, in his head? Our bed is crowded with countless, faceless strangers where once we were intimate." An October 2003 survey done by Focus on the Family Christian revealed that 48% percent of the families surveyed said that pornography is a problem in their home.7 One man in counseling confessed that his addiction to pornography nearly destroyed his wife and daughter. Both women suffered from eating disorders and had suicidal tendencies because of his rejection. Every afternoon as he returned from work he feared finding his wife on the floor with her wrists slit because of her feelings of inadequacy. In the counseling process his daughter tearfully shared her struggle with inferiority. She saw how her father totally rejected her mom, a beautiful woman, and feared never finding a man who would love her and tell her that she was beautiful. The two women that the man loved the most suffered greatly because their husband and father rejected them to fulfill his lust for cyberporn.8
The New York Times9 also reported that children suffer from watching their parents fight about Internet pornography, particularly if the fighting leads to divorce. The article went on to say that "even if the marriage survives, children may lack adequate parental attention when one parent is preoccupied with sex on the computer and the other is preoccupied with the cybersex addict."
Parents all across the nation are reeling from the discovery that their teenage sons are hooked on cyberporn. This ugly reality is clearly understandable in light of the fact that males between the ages of 12 and 17 are the largest consumers of Internet porn. Mothers and fathers are sickened to learn that their child's compulsive acting-out has become a primary coping strategy for dealing with emotional pain, anxiety, and boredom. They are outraged to discover that cyberporn is indoctrinating their sons with ungodly and corrupt ideas about women, sex, marriage, and children.
Even more disturbing is the fact that there has been a dramatic increase in the number of women who are addicted to cyberporn.10 Historically, women have been more prone to indulge their fantasies with romance novels or chat rooms. This is still somewhat the case, but it is rapidly changing. Culture is rewiring women to be more visual and to act-out in direct ways. A recent survey indicates that 34% of church attending women report that they intentionally visited porn websites on-line.11
The fact is that Internet porn is no longer a "guy thing." Women are stepping out of the shadows and admitting that they, too, struggle with sexual addiction. Many clinical professionals wrongly assume that the problem most women present with is sexual disinterest. One woman who was attending an intensive workshop for female sex addicts illustrates this misconception.12 She arrived early at the meeting and sat quietly off to herself as others came in. But, as each successive woman entered the room her eyes grew wider and wider. Soon tears were flowing down her face. Before the leader could even begin introducing the staff, this woman stood up, addressed the other women and exclaimed, "For years I thought I was the only female who struggled like this. I can't believe I'm in a room with a dozen other women who admit to being sex addicts! Nobody talks about this sexual stuff going on with women. For the first time in my life, tonight I don't feel all alone. Here, I belong."
One reason for the myth that females don't struggle with sexual addiction is because they fail to talk about their struggle. Fear of being alone in their behavior keeps many women silent about their addiction. Even women in recovery are rarely open about their history. The enormous shame that still surrounds sex addiction, in general, and the even greater stigma which is applied to female addicts, maintains the silence and contributes to the misconception that women are immune from this problem.
If the church and society are to be healed from sexual sin, the church, which has traditionally been silent about sex, must begin talking about the problem. We must realize that thousands of Christians are hopelessly trapped in sexual sin. They are addicted and unable to stop. The church must wake up and take decisive action. Today, if anyone says in a social setting , "I'm a recovering alcoholic," many would respond with, "Good for you. You've admitted you have a problem. You are doing something about it. You're getting help." We have an element of respect for someone who admits to being a recovering alcoholic. But, if they say, "I'm a recovering sex addict," there is very little understanding or empathy. The typical response is one of disgust, revulsion, and judgment. Tragically, the one trapped in sexual sin is often prevented from dealing effectively with their problem and becomes further entrapped in living a double-life. The church must become a safe place to talk about the struggle with sexual sin and willing to demonstrate grace that facilitates healing. We can no longer afford to shoot our wounded.
Internet pornography has earned itself the reputation for being the crack cocaine of sexual addiction. It works quickly and provides an adrenalized, intense high much like the effects of amphetamine drugs. Like any `high' the body will crave another hit. The result is a pattern of addiction and escalation. Soft-core pictures soon become boring leading to a pursuit of something more intense and enticing. The escalation process typically involves four basic steps.13
Addiction - You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked and can't quit.
Escalation - You start looking for more graphic pornography. You start using porn that disgusted you earlier, but is now enticing to you.
Desensitization - You begin feeling numb towards the images you see. Even the most graphic porn is no longer arousing. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again, but you can't find it.
Acting-out sexually - This is the point that you make a critical jump and start acting-out the images you have seen and rehearsed in your mind.
Given the obvious dangers of progressive escalation, the question that should be asked is `How do I know if I am sexually addicted?' Generally speaking, sexual addiction is defined as any sexually related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment. Compulsive behavior is any behavior that completely dominates a person's life. The sexual addict makes sex a priority-more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes an organizing principle of the addict's life. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their sinful behavior. The following behavior patterns can indicate the presence of a sexual addiction.14
1. Acting-out (i.e., a pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior). Examples may include:
2. Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences. Some of these losses may include:
3. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior.
Even understanding that the consequences of their actions will be painful or have dire consequences does not stop addicts from acting-out. They often seem to have a willfulness about their actions and an attitude that says, "I'll deal with the consequences when they come."
4. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior.
Sexual addicts often try to control their behavior by creating external barriers to it. Some think marriage will keep them from acting-out. Others try to control their behavior by immersing themselves in prayer and Bible reading. Many go through periods of sexual anorexia during which they allow themselves no sexual expression at all. Such efforts, however, only fuel the addiction.
5. Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy.
Though acting-out sexually can temporally relieve an addict's anxieties, they still find themselves spending inordinate amounts of time in obsession and fantasy. By fantasizing, the sexual addict can maintain an almost constant level of arousal. Together with obsessing, the two behaviors can generate a kind of analgesic "fix." Just as our bodies generate endorphins, natural antidepressants, during vigorous exercise, they naturally release peptides when sexually aroused. The molecular construction of these peptides parallel that of opiates like heroin or morphine, but are many times more powerful.
6. Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying.
Sexual addiction is often progressive. While addicts may be able to control themselves for a time, their addictive behaviors will return and quickly escalate to previous levels and beyond. Some addicts begin adding additional acting-out behaviors. Usually sexual addicts have three or more behaviors that play a key role in their addiction-masturbation, affairs, and anonymous sex. The emotional pain of withdrawal is comparable to the physical pain experienced by those withdrawing from opiate addiction.
7. Severe mood change related to sexual activity.
Addicts experience intense mood shifts, often due to the despair and shame of having unwanted sex. Sexual addicts are caught in a crushing cycle of shame driven and shame-creating behavior. While shame drives the addicts' actions, it also becomes the unwanted consequence of a few moments of euphoric escape into sex.
8. Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences.
Two sets of activities organize the sexual addicts' day. One involves obsessing about sex, time devoted to initiating sex, and actually being sexual. The second involves time dealing with the consequences of their acting-out: lying, covering up, shortages of money, problems with their spouse, trouble at work, neglected children, and so on.
9. Neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior.
As more and more of the addicts' energy becomes focused on satisfying their desire, family, friends, work, talents and values suffer and atrophy from neglect. Long-term relationships are stormy and often unsuccessful. Because of intimacy avoidance, short-term relationships become the norm.
The first step in seeking help is admitting there is a problem. Though marital, professional, and societal consequences may follow, admission of the problem must come no matter the cost. Fear of consequences unfortunately keeps many from seeking help. Typical fears faced by those struggling with sexual addiction include:15
Our natural tendency is to respond to fear by trying to avoid exposure, by hiding our sin. Adam and Eve attempted to hide from God as soon as they sinned and we are no different. Satan, our enemy, plays on that tendency using a variety of lies to persuade us to cover our sin with secrecy. Some of the common lies he uses include:
If you believe the lies, you will likely withdraw and disconnect from God and others around you. The truth is you cannot afford to be cut off from these potential sources of help. The adversary prowls around like a "roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour" (I Peter 5:8). When you allow yourself to be isolated, you become the weak gazelle that gets separated from the rest of the herd and eventually gets eaten for lunch by the lion. The secrecy must be broken. Regardless of your situation, it is best to break secrecy by confiding in someone you trust and who is a mature Christian. Obviously, some people are better able to handle the disclosure of your sin than others. If you are married, you have another major decision to consider. At some point, you will need to tell your spouse about your struggle. Because sexual sin can be devastating to a marriage, I urge caution and prayerful preparation prior to sharing with your spouse. Don't ever think you will get free and never have to tell your spouse about your former life. Since you are one with her/him in body and spirit, you cannot afford to keep this truth from them. Withholding your secret struggle is tantamount to harboring lies. Sharing the whole truth will be essential for the rebuilding of your emotional intimacy and physical relationship. If you have previously told a trusted friend about your situation, they can cover you in prayer when you sense it is God's timing to tell your spouse.
Accountability relationships can be an excellent vehicle to break secrecy and encourage one another to daily walk with Christ. The term "accountability" refers to a non-performance, loving relationship (same sex) between Christians that is meant to mutually encourage and strengthen each other in their pursuit of God. These relationships can exist in a one-on-one or in a small group (3-5 persons) format. (CrossPoint Community Church currently hosts an accountability/support group for men through the Celebrate Recovery ministry.) Ideally the persons involved should meet periodically throughout each month to stay in tune with how things are going with those in the group. If a person falls into sin, the relationship should not be in jeopardy. The accountability relationship provides a safety net to help get us back on track and keep walking with Christ.
The Bible discusses the importance of removing "detestable" objects from your home in several passages. For example, God instructed the Israelites, "Do not bring a detestable thing into your house or you, like it, will be set apart for destruction. Utterly abhor and detest it, for it is set apart for destruction" (Deuteronomy 7:26-also see 2 Kings 23:24; Deuteronomy 13:17; Joshua 6:18; Joshua 7:1). These warnings were for good reason. He did not want his people to experience the unpleasant consequences associated with those objects. Modern day examples of detestable objects include pornography in all its forms. God wants you to have nothing to do with these things because they are forms of idolatry. He jealously yearns for your total devotion. Keeping these things in your home dishonors God, creates a potential snare for sin, and gives the enemy an open door to attack you. The sensible thing to do is to purge your home of all detestable objects that you know of and/or God reveals to you. The following are house-cleaning suggestions.16
Change you computer setup:
Other house-cleaning suggestions (movies, videos, magazines):17
Now that you have cleaned your house, fill it with good things that will point you to God and encourage godly living. "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated a the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly tings" (Colossians 3:1-2). We can bolster a "God-focused" heart and mindset by what we keep in our home and what we do for entertainment. The following are house-filling suggestions.18
There is hope. If you recognize any part of yourself in what has been described, you face perhaps the greatest battle in your life-deciding to get help. Although you will be afraid to talk about your behavior, the consequences of remaining silent far outweigh the decision to keep the secret. Come clean! Step out in faith. God is loving and forgiving and works miracles everyday. Get the help you need.
References:
1. Cooper, A., Delmonico, D., & Burg, R. (2000). Cybersex users, abusers, and compulsives: New findings and implications. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7, 5-29.
2. Current Statistics: Pornography 2004. National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families. www.nationalcoalition.org, 2004.
3. Schneider, J., Weiss, R., (2004). Understanding Addictive Cybersex. www.cybersexualaddiction.com.
4. Current Statistics: Pornography 2004. National Coalition for the Protection of Children and families. www.nationalcoalition.org, 2004.
5. Ibid.
6. Brody, J., "Cybersex Gives Birth to a Psychological Disorder," New York Times, May 1, 2000, p.1, Health and Fitness.
7. Internet Pornography Statistics (2004). Internet Filter Review. www.internetfilterreview.com
8. Hosley, R., Watters, S., Dangers and Disappointments of Pornography (2004) www.pureintimacy.org
9. Brody, May 16, 2000, p. 1.
10. Killam, J.M., Cybersex Temptation: An Interview with Dr. Mark Laaser (2000), www.ChristianityToday.com
11. Internet Pornography Statistics (2004). Internet Filter Review. www.internetfilterreview.com
12. Ferree, M., Females and Sex Addiction: Myths and Diagnostic Applications, (2001). Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 8:287-300.
13. Hosley, R., Watters, S., Dangers and Disappointments of Pornography (2004). www.pureintimacy.org
14. Carnes, P., Dr. Carnes' Resources for Sex Addiction and Recovery (1997), www.sexhelp.com
15. Break Secrecy (1999) www.porn-free.org
16. Clean House (1999) www.porn-free.org
17. Ibid.
18. Ibid.
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