Eliminating Enemy Number One

From the following list, check what you think is the most destructive force in marriage today.

The number one destroyer of marital love is buried anger. When we bury anger inside, we always bury it alive!

"If you’re angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry - get over it quickly; don’t give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:16-17

Anger is a God-given emotion and is not sinful in itself; it carries no moral weight. Anger simply moves us to righteous or unrighteous behavior. We choose the direction.

How do you and your spouse handle anger? Check the ways you handle anger and circle the ways your spouse handles anger.

The two sinful uses of anger are clamming up (pout, sulk, withdraw, ignore, brood, fume, won’t cooperate) and blowing up (shout, scream, rage, insult, ridicule, intimidate, threaten, sarcasm).

"Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you, for as it springs up it causes deep trouble, hurting many." Heb. 12:15

"Stupid people shout in anger; the wise person holds his temper in and cools it." Proverbs 29:11

The Three Most Common Results of Buried Anger

1. Relational distance from God and others. Check the box indicating your relational distance to...
   

   God:		Intimate		OK		Intimate
   Spouse:		Intimate		OK		Intimate

   
   
2. Buried anger stunts our emotional and spiritual growth near the period of time when the psychological damage occurred. You may have an adult body, but the heart of a wounded child.
   
   
3. Buried anger can produce psychosomatic and psychological problems (colitis, headaches, insomnia, depression, ulcers).

Four Steps For Unloading Buried Anger

1. Define the offense. Is there buried anger from the past or present? Briefly describe the person and situation. ____________________________________________________________________
   
   
2. Admit your pain. Circle the degree of anger you have toward that person.
   

   Livid		Incensed		Upset
   Furious		Enraged		Annoyed
   Irate		Hate		Disturbed
   Irritated		Resentful		Seething
   Aggravated		Bitter		Fuming
   Disgusted		Discouraged		Perturbed

   
   
3. Reach out to your offender. Be tentative and tactful in your approach. "I’m hurt and angry by what you said. I realize that I may have misunderstood you." Allow for explanations.
   
   "If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault. But do it privately, just between yourselves." Matt 18:15
   
   
4. Release your offender. Give up your desire for revenge.
   
   "Never take revenge my friends, but instead let God's anger do it. For the Scripture says, 'I will pay back, says the Lord'" Rom. 12:19-20

   "And when you stand and pray, forgive anything you may have against anyone, that your Father in heaven will forgive your wrongs you have done." Mark 11:25

We release our offender through forgiveness. Forgiveness means we release the emotional ropes that have held us. Shade in the cup up to the level of unforgiveness in your life. In the unshaded area, write the words ‘God’s Forgiveness’.

An Ounce of Prevention Can Save Your Marriage

Clamming up and blowing up build relational walls that result in isolation. To prevent this from occurring in your marriage, you must consistently practice the helps below:

Instead of clamming up...

1. Release your anger constructively. This usually involves confronting your spouse. It’s scary but biblical! You must confront in a tactful way, not to hurt back or embarrass but to...
2. Resolve the problem. Approach your spouse with a solution-oriented mind-set. Attack the problem and not your spouse.

Instead of blowing up...

1. Restrain your anger and calm down. Pull back on the reins; slow down your reaction and think!
2. Release your anger in constructively.
3. Resolve the problem.