The Five Vital Signs of a Healthy Marriage (Part 2)

Is your marriage healthy or unhealthy? Is it growing toward oneness or isolation? To check its status you’ll need to learn how to read your relationship’s five vital signs.

(For Vital Signs #1 and #2 see Lesson 3)

Vital Sign #3: Allowed to Think for Themselves

Oneness is lost in a marital relationship when one or both spouses attempt to dominate and control the other (i.e. choosing where the couple will live, go to church, take vacations; unilaterally making everyday decisions, etc.). The one being controlled usually loses their sense of personal identity. This person's boundaries have been violated and they feel squeezed into a box.

In a healthy relationship people have the freedom to think for themselves. Freedom is lost by comments like, "That's a stupid idea!" or "Just do what I say and don't ask questions!" The mate soon learns that it is not safe to think for him/herself. Eventually the berated person begins to belittle his or her own thinking or grow resentful (or both).

"Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4: 29

"But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language." Colossians 3:8

What is the most demeaning put-down you have used toward your spouse?

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Write the most demeaning put-down your spouse has said to you.

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Men and women often perceive things differently. Those differences are not necessarily right or wrong but different. We should encourage our mate to use their creativity and intelligence to complement our own. Remember, "If both of us think exactly alike, one of us in unnecessary." Men, be careful not to discount your wife's thinking because she's "too emotional." Women, be careful not to discount your husband's thinking because he's "too logical." Don't foolishly assume that your way of thinking is superior.

Vital Sign #4: Encouraged to Talk and are Heard

"My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." James 1:19

"Listen before you answer. If you don't, you are being stupid and insulting." Proverbs 18:13

Please indicate where you are and where you believe your spouse is:

Choices:		speak to quickly <-> listen before I speak
I think I		speak too quickly 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 listen before I speak
I think my spouse		speaks too quickly 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 listens before they speak
Choices:		think about what I'm going to say next <-> listen carefully to my spouse
I think I		think about what I'm going to say next 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 listen carefully to my spouse
I think my spouse		thinks about what they're going to say next 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 listens carefully to me
Choices:		listen critically <->listen to understand
I think I		listen critically 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 listen to understand
I think my spouse		listens critically 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 listens to understand
Choices:		don't look when my spouse speaks <-> look at my spouse while listening
I think I		don't look when my spouse speaks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 look at my spouse while listening
I think my spouse		doesn't look when I speak 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 looks at me while listening
Choices:		my anger keeps me from listening effectively <-> I control my anger while listening
I think		my anger keeps me from listening effectively 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 I control my anger while listening
I think my		spouse's anger keeps them from listening effectively 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 spouse controls their anger while listening

God provides the perfect model of listening. The Bible affirms that He hears and answers us.

"But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I plead aloud in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice…Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you." Psalms 55:16-17, 22

The type of communication that was used in your childhood home is likely to be the pattern you use as an adult. If you were shut down as a child, you'll tend to shut down your spouse. If you were encouraged to open up, you'll probably give him/her the same right.

What do you need to be doing to convey acceptance of your spouse's words?

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Vital Sign #5: Allowed to Share Feelings

In a healthy relationship, you not only know your thinking and words will be valued, but you also have the freedom to share your feelings. In an unhealthy relationship, any attempt to share feelings is met with denigrating remarks: "Oh, grow up!" "Lighten up!" "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." "Give me a break!"

Which of the following feelings are most difficult for you to share with your spouse? Check all that apply.

God encourages us to share our feelings with Him without judgment, fear, or belittlement. God can handle frank, intense honesty from you. Genuine friendship is based on disclosure. What may appear as audacity God views as authenticity. God listens to the passionate words of His friends.

"(Moses) Look, you tell me to lead this people but you don't let me know whom you're going to send with me…If I'm so special to you, let me in on your plans…Don't forget, this is YOUR people, your responsibility…If your presence doesn't take the lead here, call this trip off right now! How else will I know that you're with me in this, with me and your people? Are you traveling with us or not?… God said to Moses, ‘All right. Just as you say; this also I will do, for I know you well and you are special to me." Exodus 33:12-17

What emotion are you uncomfortable with that your spouse expresses?

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How safe do you feel sharing your feelings with your spouse? (Safe or Unsafe) Safe 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Unsafe

How safe do you think your spouse feels sharing with you? (Safe or Unsafe) Safe 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Unsafe

Point to Ponder:

Show honor by allowing your spouse to think, talk and feel.

Verse to Remember:

"Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." James 1:19