Effective communication is at the heart of a healthy marital relationship. In order to love and be loved by our mate we must reach the deepest levels of verbal intimacy.
"At one time the whole world spoke a single language and used the same words. As the people migrated eastward, they found a plain in the land of Babylonia and settled there. They began to talk of construction projects. ‘Come’ they said. ‘Let’s make great piles of burnt brick and collect natural asphalt to use as mortar. Let’s build a great city with a tower that reaches to the skies - a monument to our greatness! This will bring us together and keep us from scattering all over the world.’ But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower that the people were building. ‘Look!’ he said. ‘If they can accomplish this when they have just begun to take advantage of their common language and political unity, just think of what they will do later. Nothing will be impossible for them! Come, let’s go down and give them different languages. Then they won’t be able to understand each other.’ In that way, the Lord scattered them all over the earth; and that ended the building of the city." Gen. 11: 1-8
Communicating - At What Level?
There are five levels of intimacy in communication, moving from the superficial to the most meaningful. The more a husband and wife remain on levels four and five, the more satisfying their marriage. Couples who fear conflict and rejection spend a lot of time on levels one through three. These can be thought of as "safe" levels.
The first level is cliche. It allows one to remain safely isolated and alone. It is restricted to greetings and comments that express no opinions, feelings, or real communication. "How’s it going?" "What’s up?" This is non-sharing.
List some common clichés that you use with your spouse.
__________________________________________________________.
The second level is facts. This level of communication consists only of the objective discussion of facts; gossiping or data analysis holds others at arm’s length. "It looks like it’s going to rain." "The Braves beat the Padres 4 to 2 last night." This is sharing what you know.
What facts do you and your mate talk about most? Check the top two or three "factual" communications you most often have with your spouse.
Children
Jobs
Friends
Home
Church
Hobbies
Other ____________________
The third level is opinion. Here communication involves sharing ideas and opinions that will open a person up as he expresses what he really thinks. "I can’t believe that you painted the house that color." "That perfume smells great." Most couple’s conversations get to this level but rarely go deeper. This is sharing what you think.
When you and your spouse communicate on this level, what do you most often talk about? Check the top two topics.
Politics
Religious beliefs
Community activities
Opinions about social issues
Other ____________________
The fourth level is feelings. This level involves sharing feelings and emotions leading to true communication. It involves conveying one’s hopes, fears, likes, dislikes, aspirations, disappointments, joys, sorrows, needs, dreams, failures, desires, stresses and burdens. "I was really hurt by what you said during the argument." Sharing our feelings can be scary, but we can reach the deeper levels of loving and being loved when we put ourselves at risk. One of the healthiest questions we can ask our mate is, "What are feeling right now?" This is sharing what you feel.
Cultivating Oneness Takes Honesty
You will have to care enough to lovingly speak the truth, even when you would rather gloss over a problem or ignore an issue. While it is much easier to remain silent, it is not the loving thing to do. The Bible tells us to "speak the truth in love" (Eph 4:15). Solomon said, "An honest answer is a sign of true friendship" (Prov. 24:26). Real fellowship in marriage depends on honesty spoken in love.
How comfortable are you communicating your feelings? Select where you are and where you believe your spouse is.
Choices:
uncomfortable <-> comfortable
I think I am
I think my spouse is
Practice writing two statements of feeling (directed toward your spouse).
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
The fifth level is complete transparency. It involves complete personal truthfulness. Transparency is sharing your heart. To risk at this level of verbal intimacy, we have to feel safe in the relationship. "My life would be so incomplete without you." This is sharing what you are.
Practice writing two statements that share what you are (directed toward your spouse).
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
The basic goal of a married couple should be to share on the fourth and fifth levels. The key to deep verbal intimacy is feeling safe to share our feelings and needs. This means using self-control to listen lovingly and not overreact.
Review the five levels of communication and evaluate how often you and your spouse reach levels four and five.
1. Cliché _________% of the time
2. Facts _________% of the time
3. Opinions _________ % of the time
4. Feelings _________% of the time
5. Transparency _________ % of the time
Attentive Listening Skills
The key to good listening is to put your own concerns on hold temporarily and encourage your partner to be the leader. This means letting them tell their full story without interruption. Your goal is understanding - without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, blaming or defending, or jumping into action (posing a solution).
When you attend to your partner, you give him or her your full attention by listening with your body and mind. Stop other activity that could be distracting. If your partner is sitting, sit. If he or she is standing, stand. Turn your body toward your partner and give him or her eye contact. On occasion you may want to touch your partner supportively as well.
Attend - Look and Listen
Look at the nonverbals. Watch your partner’s facial and body movements. Listen to the sounds. Listen for speech tones and inflections, as well as the rate and pitch of the voice.
Acknowledge
Show interest and respect by nodding your head, saying "uh-huh" or making a brief interpretive statement ("I can see that you’re really concerned." "I guess you really don’t want to go." "That sounds important.")
Summarize
Summarizing helps ensure the accuracy of your understanding. Repeat in your own words what you just heard to be your partner’s points. Ask your partner for confirmation or clarification.
