Wise Counsel: The Secrets of a Great Marriage, Lesson 6
Conflict - The Doorway To Intimacy

Most of us dislike conflict, especially with our mate. The bad news is that conflict is inevitable because of our temperament, personality and gender differences, background experiences, and sin nature. The good news is that we can not only reduce our conflicts but also use them to move us into deeper marital intimacy. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Prov. 15:1

What are some of the sensitive areas in your marriage that lead to conflict?

Conflict does not have to drive couples apart. In fact, it can lead to a closer relationship. Briefly describe a time when conflict with your mate led to deeper intimacy.
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When conflict arises how do you and your mate usually respond? Check the box in the first column that best describes how you usually respond. Check the box in the second column to indicate how you think your spouse usually responds.

Why Most Conflicts Occur

1. Power and control
   
   Who’s going to make the decisions? Who’s the boss? When there is a struggle for power and control—boom!
   
   Complete each sentence by placing an X in the line below each one.
   
   

   I am …
   controlling	accepting
   My mate is …
   controlling	accepting

   
   
2. Insecurity
   
   Feeling unsafe or insecure in the relationship causes arguments. If you think your mate is drifting and creating emotional distance, for example, you are likely to feel insecure and conflict will result.
   
   Complete the sentence by placing an X on the line below.
   

   In our marriage, I feel…
   secure	insecure

   
   
3. Differences in Values
   
   He thinks it’s OK to drink alcohol at every meal and she can’t stand it. She thinks it’s fine to tell people someone’s not home when a call comes in and he thinks that’s lying. He wants to attend church every Sunday and she likes to go only at Christmas and Easter.
   
   Complete the sentence by placing an X on the line below.
   

   In our marriage, our values are …
   close	very different

   
   
4. Competition
   
   Conflict can grow out of competition. Some people can’t stand to lose at anything. Perhaps the husband is bothered by the fact that his wife makes more money than he does and he’s determined to “outdo” her in that area.
   
   

   In our marriage, I try to …
   win	compromise
   In our marriage, my spouse tries to …
   win	compromise

   
   
5. Personal Differences
   
   Couples fight over normal male/female differences and normal personality differences.
   
   Complete the sentence by placing an X on the line below.
   

   Our differences …
   cause conflict	are accepted

   
   
6. Misunderstood Feelings and Unmet Needs
   
   This is perhaps the major reason for conflict - when one (more than likely both) spouses have unmet needs. We expect others to know our needs and feelings even when we haven’t expressed them.
   
   Complete the sentence by placing an X on the line below.
   

   In our marriage we…
   share feelings	don’t share feelings

   
   Check which of the six basic causes of conflict most often surfaces in your marriage.
   Power and control
   Differences in Values
   Competition
   Insecurity
   Personal Differences
   Misunderstood feelings and unmet needs

Breaking the Cycle of Conflict

We’re not doomed to an endless cycle of unresolved conflict but it requires both spouses stepping out of the old patterns. The first step is repentance, which means, “to go in the opposite direction.” “Godly sorrow brings repentance.” 2 Cor. 7:10 The second step is to learn and use the Biblical “rules” for resolving conflict.

Ten Rules for Resolving Conflict

To resolve conflict effectively the following "rules" must be followed:

Rule #1 Resolution of the conflict is what is important, not winning or losing. Adopt a win-win mind-set concerning the problem to be resolved. If the conflict is resolved, both of you win. This is not competition between the two of you. You are partners on the same team. Eph. 4:2; Rom. 12:18; Phil. 2:4; Eph. 4:29

Rule #2 Each partner must assume 100% of the responsibility for resolving a conflict. Assigning blame is non-productive. A division in the relationship is a mutual responsibility. Matt. 5:22-24, 18:15

Rule #3 Limit the discussion to the specific issue at hand. Keep it in the here and now. Never bring up past failures since all past failures should have been dealt with and forgiven. Matt. 18:15

Rule #4 Attack the problem and not your partner. Think of the situation as "us versus the problem" not "me against you". Overlook minor offenses and forbear. Matt. 18:15; Eph. 4:15, 29

Rule #5 Tell the truth about how you understand the problem. Do it tactfully and don't exaggerate. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Eph. 4:15. 25; Col. 3:9

Rule #6 Actively listen to what your spouse is saying. Don't interrupt or focus on what you are going to say. You may disagree with what is being said but allow the other's opinion. Prov. 18:13; James 1:19

Rule #7 Don't blow up or clam up. Both are destructive to the relationship and accomplish nothing positive. Verbalize your anger in a constructive way. Criticism, insults, sarcasm, blaming, etc. are off-limits. Eph. 4:26, 31; Prov. 14:29, 15:1,25:15

Rule #8 Focus on behavior and not hidden motives. Don't try to read your partner's motives. If you are unsure what was meant or why it was said, ask for clarification. Prov. 18:13

Rule #9 Forget payback. Getting even won't make you feel any better and will only exacerbate the conflict. Rom. 12:19-21

Rule #10 When you're wrong admit it and ask for forgiveness. When your partner confesses to you, grant forgiveness. Once it is forgiven, it is not to be brought up again. James 5:16: Prov. 17:9; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13: I Pet. 4:8

Point to Ponder
Conflict is inevitable but it can make our marriage stronger.

Verse to Remember
“A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1

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