Wise Counsel: The Secrets of a Great Marriage, Lesson 8
The Bedroom - Battleground Or Playground?

Key Thought: There are three basic principles that a couple must consistently practice in order to fully enjoy their sexual experience.

"Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourself to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." I Corinthians 7:3-5

1. The Principle of Need. (7:3)
   A. Both husband and wife have a definite need for regular sexual intimacy.
   B. Need depends on what the other requires.
   C. Consideration for one’s mate must regulate requests.
   
   It is generally true that there is a significant disparity between men and women concerning sexual need. Men tend to have an urgent, strong desire for gratification that is due to the fact that they are easily aroused by visual stimulation. It tends to be visceral and automatic sometimes occurring within a few seconds. Wives frequently express dismay at their husband’s ability to be aroused so easily by other women. They need to understand two things: 1) His reaction does not mean that he is promiscuous or unfaithful. It is simply characteristic of the male reaction; it is a built-in response mechanism that God created in him. 2) His arousal, in and of itself, does not mean that much to him. It occurs effortlessly and has nothing to do with emotional attachment.
   
   Women find these facts about their husband hard to understand because they experience arousal in a different way. Unlike men they are not necessarily stimulated by sight. It is far more complicated and deliberate. When actor Burt Reynolds posed partially nude for Cosmopolitan magazine a number of years ago, most women viewed it as humorous rather than sexually stimulating. Sexual arousal for a woman involves more of a mind-set than the result of stimulation. She can choose whether she wants to experience arousal or not. Many women report that their arousal is often dependent on whether or not she has an emotional attachment to a particular man. Rather than looking strictly at his physical appearance, she tends to look for personality qualities such as affection, attentiveness, warmth, and kindness. For a woman, looks are not the critical issue. A tender touch or gentle treatment mean far more to her than a handsome face or trim physique. Feelings of affection and romance are the important keys to a woman’s sexual arousal.
   
   
2. The Principle of Authority. (7:4)
   A. Each spouse must relinquish his/her "rights" to the other.
   B. Mutual rights involve mutual responsibility.
   
   "...your body is not your own; it is the temple of the Holy Spirit." I Corinthians 6:19
   
   Sexuality is not self-oriented but other-oriented. Scripture makes it clear that we are to care for our mate’s body as our own. It is not the husband’s responsibility to meet his own sexual needs or for the wife to meet hers. His biblical responsibility is to consistently meet her needs and vice versa. It is to be a cooperative experience.
   
   Note to wives: Simply "sacrificing" your body to meet his sexual needs is an unbiblical attitude to take. You must join your husband in the sexual experience or his needs will remain unmet. It will then be transformed from simply having sex to making love.
   
   
3. The Principle of Habit (7:5)
   A. Sexual intimacy must be on a regular/continuous basis.
   B. This provides adequate sexual satisfaction and prevents succumbing to temptation.
   
   Word study: ‘do not deprive’ - don’t cheat or rob your mate except by mutual consent (literally ‘symphony’).
   
   When a husband and wife make vows together before God they are committing to one another that they will exclusively meet the other person’s sexual need. They trust that their spouse will be sexually available to them. Unfortunately, many discover that putting their trust in their spouse was a big mistake. Unless their moral and spiritual values are strong some will fall prey to temptation when the occasions arises.

Hindrances to Sexual Intimacy

1. A failure to communicate. Communication requires a listening love as well as a willingness to be vulnerable - to put into words what one is thinking and feeling and to trust those words to the partner’s understanding.
   
2. Unresolved conflict. Anger and hostility, no matter how veiled or suppressed, will kill any growth of loving intimacy. Clamming up about an issue or problem will divide a couple both emotionally and sexually.
   
3. Personal insecurity and fear. Some shrink from sexual intimacy because they have been deeply wounded (i.e. abuse, neglect, affair(s), etc.) by their mate. That pain lingers from these experiences, which causes them to hide (i.e. emotional and physical "distance").
   
   • Traumatic past. Some shrink from sexual intimacy because they have been deeply wounded (i.e. incest, molestation, verbal/physical abuse, neglect, etc.) by significant others.
   • Self-consciousness about physical appearance. A negative perception of one’s body inhibits sexual intimacy. Concentrating on one’s physical imperfections rather than focusing on the sexual act will cause them to hide their body.
   • Performance Anxiety. Being anxious about performing "well" during lovemaking will inhibit intimacy.
     
4. The habit of criticism. Continually criticizing a mate in the hope that it will motivate them to change will stifle sexual intimacy.
   
5. A lack of affection. Nonsexual touching (i.e. cuddling, snuggling, sitting with one another, holding hands, kissing, etc.) must be part of a couple’s daily life if sexually intimacy is to grow.
   
6. A lack of romance. A failure to pursue our mate with vigor and creativity in order to capture their heart will diminish sexual intimacy.
   
7. A lack of sensitivity. Insensitivity to our partner’s needs and desires can be detrimental to the development of sexual intimacy.
   
8. A lack of knowledge.
   
   • An unbiblical or improper view of sex will inhibit intimacy
   • Ignorance concerning lovemaking techniques will hinder intimacy
   • A lack of understanding of the sexual differences between men and women
     
9. Fatigue. Physical/emotional exhaustion will interfere with sexual intimacy.
   
10. Too busy. Sexual intimacy becomes devalued because other activities (i.e. television, hobbies, sports, clubs, etc.) take precedence.
    
11. Different work schedules. A lack of time together precludes the opportunity of being sexually intimate with one another.
    
12. Lack of privacy. A fear of being heard or seen during lovemaking will inhibit the frequency and intensity of intimacy.
    
13. Fear of pregnancy. The fear of an unwanted pregnancy can create an avoidance of sexual intimacy.
    
14. Physiological / medical problems. Hormonal imbalance, impotence, physical defect, vaginismus, premature ejaculation, chronic pain etc.
    
15. Psychiatric disorders. Thought, mood, and anxiety disorders can affect libido.
    
16. Pornography addiction. Fantasy and masturbation become a replacement/substitute for normal sexual relations with spouse.
    
17. Latent homosexual tendencies. A secret sexual desire for the same sex will diminish sexual drive and satisfaction.
    
18. Medication problems. Certain medications (i.e. beta blockers, blood pressure meds, various antidepressants, etc.) will diminish libido, which will inhibit sexual intimacy.
    
19. Drug/alcohol abuse or dependency. Substance abuse can cause a diminished physiological capacity to perform sexually; substance abuse affects the other spouse psychologically and emotionally.
    

Application Project:
If you are experiencing problems in your sexual relationship take time together to carefully review the list above. Be open and honest with one another as to what might be a hindrance(s) to experiencing sexual fulfillment.

© Copyright 2005, Wisdom for Living Ministries, All Rights Reserved.