In working with couples over the last 20 years, I have discovered that there is one essential quality a husband and wife must possess in order to have a great relationship. What is it? The ability to give the gift of honor to one another.

Feeling worthwhile as an individual is a universal human need. We all long for the acceptance and approval of others that validates us as a person. Gary Smalley, nationally known writer and speaker on marriage has said, "Men will do almost anything to gain the admiration of others. They will eternally search for someone to respect them."¹ The truth of the matter is that being honored and held in high esteem energizes and motivates us all. Who can deny the deep satisfaction that we experience when another person voluntarily lifts up our worth, value, and potential as a parent, friend, or employee? We are never more willing to remove our protective layers than when we are enveloped in an atmosphere of genuine respect and appreciation.

Mutual respect is the essential, relational quality that cultivates growth in a marriage. It creates the rich soil in which love can grow. The unfortunate reality is that too many couples are the least honoring and respectful to the ones they love the most. In the midst of hurt, frustration, anger, or disappointment it is all too easy to react in a dishonoring and disrespectful manner. They become mired in painful conflicts that eventually tear the heart out of their relationship.

One of the strongest findings that has emerged from research on marital relationships over the last two decades indicates that the way in which a couple handles conflict is directly related to the ultimate success or failure of their marriage. Those who react in a harsh, insensitive, and uncaring way are most likely to develop serious problems. Many couples mistakenly believe that their differences and disagreements are the source of their greatest marital problems. While it is true that differences in backgrounds and viewpoints increase the likelihood of conflict, marital success appears to be more directly related to how they handle those differences. I have observed three types of dishonoring communication that shred the emotional fabric of a marital bond: fight talk, spite talk, and control talk. ²

Fight talk is usually characterized by an attempt to force change. As anger and frustration begin to escalate, language becomes more direct, aggressive, and retaliatory. Mean, hurtful things are said. Fight talk typically erupts around unclear or frustrated expectations such as a change in plans, shortage of time, energy, or money. It can occur when people feel fearful, threatened, frustrated, desperate, angry, or overwhelmed. Although fight talk can get the juices flowing and occasionally break up a logjam, it almost always wounds the other person's worth or esteem. In its worst form, it can break out into physical violence. Fight talk never delivers much especially when it comes to long-term solutions to tough relationship issues.

Joann: "I'd like to make some plans about remodeling the kitchen."

Tom: (continues changing TV channels) "C'mon, now?"

Joann: (hands on hips) "Yes, now. Turn off the TV."

Tom: (turns off TV with a sigh and throws remote on couch) "You know I hate talking about this. It always turns into an argument."

Joann: (sarcastic tone) "Well, whose fault is that? You have such a negative attitude when it comes to money."

Tom: (looking away) "You would too if you had to juggle all the bills on the income we have."

Joann: (exasperated) "Look! You've been telling me for the last two years that we were going to get the kitchen remodeled. Not one thing has been done."

Tom: (looking at the floor with a scowl on his face; no answer)

Joann: (pointing finger) "I'm sick and tired of it Tom. You need to start following through with what you say you're going to do and quit being so irresponsible."

Tom: (angrily) "Irresponsible? Are you calling me irresponsible?"

Joann: "You know what your problem is? Your mother never made you do anything."

Tom: (fist clinched) "Leave my mother out of this!"

Joann: (face red; veins bulging) "I want this kitchen fixed! Do you hear me?"

Tom: (turning to leave the room) "I knew it! It always turns out this way!"

Joann: "Yeah, you always go off to pout rather than deal with the problem!"

Tom: (slams door on the way out of the house)

Joann: "Jerk!"

1. Gary Smalley, How To Become Your Husband's Best Friend, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1982), p. 48.
2. Sherod Miller, Phyllis Miller, Elam Nunnally, Daniel Wackman, Talking and Listening Together: Couple Communication One, (Littleton, CO: Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc., 1992), pp. 118-133.