Typical Fight Talk Behaviors

Threatening consequences: "Say that one more time and I'm gone."

Labeling: "You're so irresponsible."

Name-calling, belittling, using loaded words: "You sound like a pig when you eat."

Defending: "There's not a thing wrong with the way I did it."

Interrogating: "I want to know where you were and what you were doing."

Judging, put-downs: "Can't you do anything right? I don't know what you'd do if I didn't go behind you."

Challenging, taunting: "Your mother may think you can do no wrong, but not me."

Lecturing, moralizing, preaching: "You should stop associating with those people. They're no good for you."

Bragging: "I could have done that in half the time."

Cursing, foul language

Spite talk is anger, hurt, or resentment that is demonstrated in an indirect, passive way. It is typically used when a person believes they are powerless to influence a situation directly and positively. The one who resorts to spite talk attempts to control from a "one down" rather than a "one up" position of power. Passive non-compliance, withdrawal, sabotage and other oblique strategies can become the ultimate resistance in a relationship. In the long run, those who use spite talk hurt themselves the most by misusing their power. The conflict continues and valuable information is submerged rather than channeled into constructive change.

Barb: "Are you angry?"

Jim: "No."

Barb: "You seem awfully quite and withdrawn. Are you sure you aren't mad?"

Jim: "I told you, no. Will you just drop it?"

Barb: "Oh, don't forget. We have the barbeque over at Toni and Phil's tonight."

Jim: "I can't go. I've too much work paperwork to do before work tomorrow."

Barb: "Jim, you've known about this for over a week."

Jim: "Sorry, its got to be done."

Typical Spite Talk Behaviors

Zingers, pot shots: "Okay Mr. Smart-guy, you do it."

Poor, pitiful me: "You never ask me to go with you."

Nagging: "How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your socks?"

Foot-dragging: "I'll get to it when I can."

Complaining, whining: "How come I always have to do the dishes?"

Pouting, ignoring, withholding affection: Going about routine without speaking; cold, distant, aloof

Withholding information: "I forgot to write the message down."

Withdrawing angrily: "Forget it, I'm out of here!"

Denying: "Nothing's the matter. I'm not angry."

Criticism, cynicism: "We all know you couldn't possibly be wrong. You're always right."

Placating: "Whatever you want. It doesn't matter to me."

Martyr, victim: "It's all my fault. I'm to blame."

Putting self down: "If I wasn't so stupid it wouldn't have happened."

Gossiping, self-righteous: "Can you believe that he did that?"

Keeping score: "I'll never let that go."

Lying, distorting: "I called him yesterday." (no call made)

Guilt-trips: "If you really loved me you wouldn't leave now."

Control talk is an attempt to direct, advise, or persuade in an effort to get another person to comply with your wishes. Although it is a take-charge, efficient, proactive style, most people prefer to exchange information and participate in making decisions. When they are left out of the process, it gives rise to resistance and resentment that usually degenerates into fight talk or spite talk.

Andy: "Gloria, you'll need to call the insurance agent this afternoon about the changes in the policy."

Gloria: "Andy, you know I promised Lauren's teacher that I would help out with decorating the classroom."

Andy: "It won't take long. You can handle it."

Gloria: "Andy I don't know anything about that policy. I don't have a clue what to ask the guy."

Andy: "It's not a big deal. You'll do fine. Trust me."

Gloria: "But I'm not sure if I can get to it today."

Andy: "It needs to be taken care of this afternoon. I've got to go. I'm already late for work."