Typical Control Talk Behaviors

Directing: "Take the car by the garage and have the oil changed this afternoon."

Establishing expectations, setting boundaries: "You do understand that if you are not here at 9:30 sharp we will leave without you?"

Advising, prescribing solutions: "If I were you, I would quit that job right now. You can do better than that."

Cautioning, warning: "Be careful and hold that with both hands."

Closed, directive questions: "Don't you agree that the green one is prettier?"

Advocating, selling: "Just give it a try. I'll not bring it up again if you don't like it."

Assuming, speaking for others: "He likes his coffee with just a little cream in it."

Flattery: "You look wonderful in that plaid skirt."

Enough negative. How can a couple give the gift of honor to one another? Esteeming a mate is best accomplished through caring communication. Philippians 4:29 exhorts us not to "use bad language, but say only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them a blessing."³ Words are powerful and possess the unique ability to build up or to tear down the one who hears them. There is the potential for life or death in how a couple chooses to communicate with one another.

Fight talk, spite talk, and control talk wound and alienate but straight talk brings healing and unity to a relationship. There is no blaming, defending, or deceiving. It is a respectful style of communication that allows the speaker to be tough yet tender, firm yet flexible, and caring but not controlling. There is no verbal pushing or shoving; no manipulation or game playing. Straight talk is open, vulnerable, self-disclosure that fosters new understanding, acceptance, and intimacy between partners. Real thoughts and feelings about important issues are shared in a positive and caring way so that trust and security are nurtured. Straight talk also emphasizes the value of attentive listening. There is no rehearsing, evaluating, or redirecting but simply following what the other person is saying-trying to get into their shoes. It is simply letting them tell their full story spontaneously, without interference so the listener can completely understand what is being said.

Rob: "Linda, I'd like to talk with you about our finances if you've got time."

Linda: "Sure, the kids are already in bed."

Rob: "I've noticed that you've been spending more than we had budgeted for food and clothing. I'm going to have to transfer some money from savings to cover the checks you wrote last week. To be honest, I'm feeling a little frustrated right now."

Linda: "I'm sorry, Rob. I had no idea."

Rob: "I thought you didn't. I'd like to work out a better way of managing the money so this doesn't keep happening."

Linda: "That's fine with me. What do you suggest."

Rob: "Well, I've got a couple of ideas but I want to hear your thinking, too."

Linda: "Okay, you go first."

Typical Straight Talk Behaviors

Identifying the problem: "I have a problem with the way you are disciplining the children."

Identifying feelings: "I'm really angry about what you said."

Accepting differences: "I don't see it that way but I'm willing to talk about it."

Requesting feedback: "I'd like to hear what you've got to say about it."

Giving feedback: "In my opinion you came down too hard on him."

Expressing appreciation: "I really enjoyed the dinner you cooked tonight. It was delicious."

Being vulnerable: "I'm really worried about our finances."

Asking for change: "I'd like you to help me get the kitchen cleaned up and the kids in bed."

Taking responsibility: "I know what I said really hurt your feelings."

Apologizing, asking for forgiveness: "I'm sorry for not calling and letting you know I was going to be late. Will you forgive me?"

Giving support: "I'll stand behind you whatever your decision is."

Straight talk is not a "quick fix' or a "cure all" to life's problems, but it does powerfully demonstrate that you are committed to an open process of understanding, accepting, and working with your partner. More importantly, it is compelling proof that they are truly respected and honored.

Even though most couples readily acknowledge that giving the gift of honor is crucial to the well-being of their relationship, the high divorce rate in the United States (40 to 50% for those marrying the first time) seems to indicate that it is not commonly practiced. Perhaps the best explanation for this contradiction can be found in Scripture. Philippians 2:3 exhorts us to "do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each one of you regard one another as more important than himself."⁴ The failure to esteem a partner as more important than oneself is deeply rooted in a spirit of pride. It boasts, "I am better than you and should be treated accordingly." It is this puffed-up attitude that insists on winning an argument rather than solving the problem; that puts a mate down to lift self up; that seeks praise as opposed to giving it; that is never wrong and the partner right; that demands their way and disregards the other's wishes. Those with an inflated, self-important mind rarely give the gift of honor. It almost always comes from those who possess a spirit of humility and regard their companion as better than themselves.

I want to challenge you to begin giving the gift of honor to you partner. Make the daily choice of esteeming them as God's personal love gift to you. Assign to them great worth and value. Lift them up as being highly important and significant. Treasure and cherish them always. As you do, may you reap the blessings of oneness, harmony, and love for a lifetime!

3. The Living Bible.
4. New American Standard Bible.